dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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