I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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