The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I want her autograph on my taint
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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