hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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