oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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