there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
