Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
