Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I am one with the molecules
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
