Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
smell my finger.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
