He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
