My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
