Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
