dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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