he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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