i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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