Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
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I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
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It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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