Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
