Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
