You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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