alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
