Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
