he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
