My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
