Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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