I accidentally burped into my bong.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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