Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
