a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
