I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
