His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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