Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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