i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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