if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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