We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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