What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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