Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
