Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
