If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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