if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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