Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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