omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
