My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
