I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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