I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
