just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
