Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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