Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
i think im in europe. pls send help
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
