I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
