Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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