I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
