I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan