True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
