Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
