My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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