Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
