someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I cockslap morals
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
