The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
