He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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