apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
