On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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