I CAN MOONWALK!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
