I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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