True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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