I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
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that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
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You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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