I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
do herpes really smell.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
