im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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