It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
