I could have mohawked her pubes.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
