Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
